Longing

Would it be okay to tell you
that I miss you?
I know I probably shouldn't,
but my heart is screaming at me
to tell you how I feel.


Can you see how hard it is for me?
Maybe I'm a better liar than I thought.
It seems like you're doing just fine.
I shouldn't bother your peace
with the longings of a silly girl.


I know I should let you go,
that this is what you wanted.
But I keep thinking just maybe,
if I stopped pretending to be okay, just for a moment,
you would tell me you miss me too.


I can't describe how losing you has felt.
I never expected it to be this hard.
You're in my every thought
and when I hear my heart beating
I'm surprised it's working at all.


I miss you, my dear.
I dream about being in your arms again,
of kissing your lips even one last time.
I promise I'm trying to let you go,
to let you live your life without me holding you back.


But I miss you.


    That, my dear friends, is my attempt at poetry. I don't often write poetry, but sometimes when I'm having a hard time with something it really helps to get my feelings out and put them on paper. I've had that first line running through my head for weeks. Tonight I finally had enough inspiration to write it down and the whole thing just kindof fell together. It's a wonderful feeling, being able to pour out your thought onto the page and it's always rewarding for me when I read through it and realize I created something beautiful. Beauty from pain.

     If you hadn't guessed already, me and my boyfriend broke up about a month ago. Well, really he dumped me. The details are all muddled and only he knows the real reasons behind it. I can only guess and try to interpret what little he told me. Needless to say, I haven't been dealing with the whole situation as well as I would like to. I'm trying to be strong and get over it, but most days all I want to do is stay in bed and sleep and cry. Of course, I can't do that. So I put on my brave face and do the best I can. Hopefully it will get easier.

Echo, my newest friend :)

     There are some good things about my life though! I don't want you to think that my life lately has just been one big cry fest. Number one is that I got a fish!!! I went home last weekend and I mentioned to my dad that I've been wanting a fish for a while. He surprised me by offering to buy me a fish! So we took a trip to the pet store and picked out the prettiest betta there :) His name is echo, and he has settled into his new home quite nicely, Even though it's just a little fish, I've really enjoyed taking care of him. It's nice to be responsible for another living thing.

     I've also been making an effort to improve my eating habits. Nothing drastic, no goals of losing weight or anything. I've just been trying to eat healthier and pay attention to what I'm putting into my mouth. I'm also trying to reduce my meat intake. After a really horrible dream that I won't even describe, I decided to cut back on meat. I have no false ideas of being able to go vegetarian as I do not eat nearly enough fruits and veggies to get a balanced diet without meat, but I have cut back. My approach is fresh fruits and veggies, more whole grains, less boxed and processed foods, more water, more alternative proteins, and limit my sweets, soda, and meat to once a day. It's been going pretty well so far, and I've been pleased with how good my body feels when I'm eating healthy meals. A big part of it is just paying attention to what I put in my mouth and actually thinking about what I'm going to eat for the day. It's been fun to experiment with different foods. Last night I made some delicious green beans and today I made some lovely roasted red potatoes. Yum!

    Another positive thing in my life recently is exercise. If you know me, you know I don't exercise very much. Hardly at all. Usually, the most I can claim is my once a week horseback riding. I decided that was something that needed to be changed, mostly for the endorphins. Again, I don't really have goals of losing weight, that's never really been a focus of mine. Exercise relieves stress and calms you down, and that's definitely something I need in my life right now. I took a zumba class today and I had a blast! It felt so good to be sweaty and happy. I'll also be doing some yoga classes, which is something I've really enjoyed in the past. Hopefully this will help me have a more positive outlook on life.
   
      Also, spring is just around the corner! What great hope good weather can bring :) Stay sweet, my friends.

     Sincerely,
          Me